I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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