I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
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She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
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Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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