I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
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i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
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They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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