I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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