i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Pooping to opera.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
