ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
