there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
