She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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