btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
