i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
how drunk are you?
Several
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
