he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
