the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
