four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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