I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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