How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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