Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
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