I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
