Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
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