we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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