if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
