**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
