It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
