So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
