this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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