No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
