I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
