I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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