I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
