I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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