I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
