haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
