I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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