Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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