apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Someone signed my nipple.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
