she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
