I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
