FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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