I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
