you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
