Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
