Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Randomize
