Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
