I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
