I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
Boobs speak an international language.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
