Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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