I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
it was like eating out sand paper
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
