I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
