i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
