Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
