4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Randomize
