If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
