I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
