if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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