Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
