I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
