I got chris browned last night
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
