Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
