census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
