I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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