yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Randomize
