Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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